The Sum of All Fears
by ilovetvalot
Summary: All her fears had come to pass. Can she survive the fallout? TWOSHOT
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: Hello, Friends. A couple of announcements for all of you. First, you still have approximately two weeks to sign up for "The Masquerade Challenge" for October's on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. We also have a "Freaky Friday" mini-challenge in progress for those interested. Details for both can be found at the forum. We'd love to have all of you sign up. I think we'll have a lot of fun this Halloween Season.**_

_**Second, you all have a little less than a month left to nominate stories for the second Annual Profiler's Choice CM Awards. The nomination ballot, rules and category summaries can be found at "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. To reach that post please either take a trip to the forum OR links are provided on the profile pages of ilovetvalot, Profiler's Choice CM Awards AND tonnie2001969. Nomination ballots should be PM'd to the Profiler's Choice CM Awards ONLY. That link is also provided on the forum or the profile pages listed above. PLEASE REMEMBER, WITHOUT NOMINATED STORIES, THERE CAN BE NO AWARDS! SO, PLEASE, COME OUT AND SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE FANFIC AUTHORS AND NOMINATE THOSE STORIES. **_

_**ALSO, we would love for our fellow author's to assist us in advertising these awards! Please feel free to copy and paste anything in this author's note or contact us for a pre-written blurb if you like.**_

_**And, please, everyone, feel free to join us over on Facebook! Simply search for "Ilovetvalot Fanfiction" and friend me. We have scores of authors connected together and we'd love to see you there! **_

_**As ever, we appreciate every single one of you that takes the time to read and/or review our stories. Your valuable feedback is deeply appreciated and we love hearing from you!**_

_**And, if we haven't stated it before, we do not own Criminal Minds, but darn, we wish we did!**_

_*******_** SPECIAL NOTE: For whatever reason, disabled the Profiler's Choice Awards PM system. That means all attempts to submit ballots failed from September 11 - 16. Could you all please help spread the word that anyone who tried to submit a ballot during this period listed above should RESEND their submissions. I am very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. We really need help reaching all the different ships out there though. So, PLEASE, those willing to help, let me know if you can include this as part of your author's notes to readers.*****

**The Sum of All Fears**

**Chapter One**

Staring at the brass numbers hanging above the peephole of the door in front of her, Emily Prentiss's fingers twitched nervously at her side.

"You can do this," she whispered to herself, trying to find the courage it took to lift her hand and knock. She knew she had to do it. She owed him that.

That, and so much more.

But the look on his face when she'd walked back into the Behavioral Analysis Unit that morning had confirmed her worst fears.

The battle for his forgiveness was going to be harder to win than the one she'd just fought with Doyle. And the stakes were so much higher.

Doyle had only wanted her life.

But Spencer Reid owned part of her soul.

Inhaling a shaky breath as her stomach clenched, she forced herself to take a step forward and raise her arm. Knocking against the wood, she flinched at the hollow sound, harsh against her ears in the empty hallway. Anxiously waiting, she bit her lip as she prayed he'd open the door. After a few more moments, she sighed and knocked again, this time calling softly, "Spencer, please. We've got to talk."

Leaning her forehead against the door when only silence answered her, she blinked back helpless tears. She'd known coming back would be hard, but nothing had prepared her for the betrayal she'd seen reflected in his eyes today. Her deception had taken a heavy toll on him...on all of her team.

But with Spencer, it was different. It always had been.

"Spence, please," she begged, flattening her hand against the door. "Just let me try to explain."

Abruptly, she felt the support of the door disappear and she stumbled forward, coming face to face with the face of the man that had single-handedly kept her moving forward for six months.

"I told you before, we have nothing left to say to each other, Emily," Reid said coldly even as he caught her arm, catching her before she could fall. Dropping her arm as though burned a second later, he took a step back. "You're wasting your time and energy," he snapped, shaking his head before turning away.

She tried to ignore the finality in his voice as she watched his long legs carry him into the sparse living room of his apartment. Closing the door behind her, she followed him quickly, reminding herself with every step that at least he'd let her inside. That had to mean something, didn't it?

"Spencer, you've got to let me apologize," she pleaded, wincing as he sat down on his couch, his gaze fixated on the wall in front of him. "Let me try to explain."

"Explain what, Emily?" Reid snapped, his eyes flashing as they jerked toward her. "Explain why you let me think for months that you were dead? Explain how you kept me in the dark about this whole hidden life you had once upon a time? Explain how you didn't feel the need to tell me that you'd been an operative in the freaking CIA? That you'd been an undercover agent that slept with a terrorist for a profile? Or maybe, you'd like to explain how it was so much easier for you to let Hotch know you were alive than me, the guy you'd been sleeping with for almost a year? Where do you want to start, Emily?" he asked coldly, his words encased in ice.

How could she respond when she knew he was stating the truth? Feeling a part of her slowly withering underneath the onslaught of his justifiably angry words, Emily swallowed hard while she tried to formulate any response.

She had expected his anger. But the bitterness…now that was more than she was prepared for.

Tilting her chin slightly, she whispered, "If I knew where to start, Spencer, I'd never left in the first place."

Seeing his jaw tighten even further, she raised one hand, hoping to forestall what was certain to be another eruption of the active volcano spewing toward her, his words as hot and punishing as any lava could be. "You're right. I wish I knew how to explain. I wish I knew how to tell you that my past was filled with incidences that I'd much rather forget, let alone have examined under the harsh light of my lover. But, if you don't believe anything else, you have to understand that I never intentionally set out to hurt you."

His definitely un-Reid like snort filled the apartment. "That's obviously the understatement of the year. At what point did you really give one single thought to my feelings, Emily?" His face hardened then, and he bit out bitterly, "Or would you rather I called you Lauren? I hear that's what your last lover knew you as, and I hate to be the cause of any confusion."

Her breath caught in her throat as her cover name fell off his lips. "Spencer, please...Doyle was not my lover."

"Yes, I'm aware. He was your assignment. Isn't that what you kept calling him this morning?" Reid sneered, his eyes narrowing on her pale face.

Biting her lip again as she fought for control, Emily nodded. "Yes," she whispered. "That's what I called him. That's what he was. Spencer, I'm not proud of what I did. I'm even less proud of the way I did it. Nothing you can say is going to make me feel any worse."

Narrowing his gaze on her, Reid replied, his tone almost casual, "You realize I don't believe a word you say, right? I'm not even sure you know the difference between the truth and a lie anymore, Emily."

"I know I love you. And that's the truth," she whispered, wrapping her arms around herself as she fought the shudder threatening to overtake her body.

"Stop!" Reid shouted, exploding from his seated position to face her with hands fisted at his side. "That's your biggest fucking lie of all, Emily!" Shaking his head, he vibrated with anger. "If you'd loved me, you'd have NEVER put me through this. Not after the way Gideon left! Not after watching my mother slowly disappear. Fuck you! And your fucked up version of love!" he spat, pointing angrily at her, his shoulders literally vibrating.

"I loved you when I left and I love you now, Spencer," Emily denied, reaching out to touch him only to hitch her breath when he jerked away, taking a step backward. "It's because I loved you that I left you in the dark. Otherwise you'd have been as big a target for Doyle as I was. All of you were!"

"See, you're little hypothesis doesn't hold up under pressure, Emily," Reid said flatly, his voice emotionless as he met her eyes. "If you'd been so concerned for our safety, you'd never have told Hotch! But, no," he sneered. "Him you could confide in!"

"I didn't tell Hotch anything," Emily retorted defensively, shaking her head. "JJ did!" she yelled, her hand flying to her mouth as she watched Reid face whiten.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: Hello, Friends. A couple of announcements for all of you. First, you still have approximately SEVEN days to sign up for "The Masquerade Challenge" for October's on "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. We also have a "Freaky Friday" mini-challenge in progress for those interested. Details for both can be found at the forum. We'd love to have all of you sign up. I think we'll have a lot of fun this Halloween Season.**_

_**Second, you all have a little less more than three weeks left to nominate stories for the second Annual Profiler's Choice CM Awards. The nomination ballot, rules and category summaries can be found at "Chit Chat on Author's Corner" forum. To reach that post please either take a trip to the forum OR links are provided on the profile pages of ilovetvalot, Profiler's Choice CM Awards AND tonnie2001969. Nomination ballots should be PM'd to the Profiler's Choice CM Awards ONLY. That link is also provided on the forum or the profile pages listed above. PLEASE REMEMBER, WITHOUT NOMINATED STORIES, THERE CAN BE NO AWARDS! SO, PLEASE, COME OUT AND SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE FANFIC AUTHORS AND NOMINATE THOSE STORIES. **_

_**ALSO, we would love for our fellow author's to assist us in advertising these awards! Please feel free to copy and paste anything in this author's note or contact us for a pre-written blurb if you like.**_

_**And, please, everyone, feel free to join us over on Facebook! Simply search for "Ilovetvalot Fanfiction" and friend me. We have scores of authors connected together and we'd love to see you there! **_

_**As ever, we appreciate every single one of you that takes the time to read and/or review our stories. Your valuable feedback is deeply appreciated and we love hearing from you!**_

_**And, if we haven't stated it before, we do not own Criminal Minds, but darn, we wish we did!**_

_*******_** SPECIAL NOTE: For whatever reason, disabled the Profiler's Choice Awards PM system. That means all attempts to submit ballots failed from September 11 - 16. Could you all please help spread the word that anyone who tried to submit a ballot during this period listed above should RESEND their submissions. I am very sorry for any inconvenience this has caused. We really need help reaching all the different ships out there though. So, PLEASE, those willing to help, let me know if you can include this as part of your author's notes to readers.*****

* * *

**The Sum of All Fears**

**Chapter Two**

"What?" Reid asked tightly, his jaw clenching. "Did you just say that JJ knew? JJ, the woman I consider a sister? The same woman that chose me to be her son's guardian, JJ?"

Licking her lower lip as she noted Reid's darkening eyes, Emily exhaled slowly. God damn it, why couldn't she say anything right? "She had no choice, Spencer," Emily said firmly, plowing forward. "She was bound by the confidentiality clause that she had at State."

"But she wasn't so bound by those same rules that she could tell Hotch?" Reid yelled.

"According to JJ, the State Department decided that as Unit Chief, Hotch should be read in. So was Strauss. But those decision were made well above both your and my pay grade. It isn't their fault."

"You're right," Reid agreed stiffly, turning to pace to the window, leaning one shoulder against the frame as he stared outside into the darkened streets of the city below. "It's yours."

"Spencer, I don't know what else to say," Emily murmured, her hopes diminishing with each passing word. Normally accustomed to his forgiving nature, she felt her heart shattering as she came face to face with his hatred. "I had no idea that things would turn out this way. If I could change things, I…."

"It's too late for change, Emily," Reid retorted, never turning, his words spoken to the almost black windows. "It's too late for everything."

She heard the death knell ringing in his voice, and she stifled a sob that threatened to escape. For months, she had kept herself sane only by remembering her stolen moments with this man…and dreaming of a future they would once again share. But all of those memories and dreams were slipping through her fingers, and try as she might, she couldn't catch even one strand that would let her believe again. Forcing herself to breath normally as she tried to quell her pounding heart, Emily whispered, unable to trust her own voice, "Spencer, I'm here. I'm here now. Can't we start again?"

"Do you even hear yourself?" Spencer laughed hollowly. "I don't even know who the hell you are!"

"Then we'll start over again," Emily begged, grabbing his arm when he would have stalked away from her. "I'll tell you anything, Spencer. Anything you want to know," she continued urgently, pleading for just one more chance.

"That's just it," Reid whispered, meeting her eyes. "I don't want to know anymore. I don't care. It's over."

Blinking as his statement registered, Emily shook her head. "That isn't true," she said softly, refusing to believe it could all end like this…not after the months they had shared.

"Evidently you don't know me as well as you thought you did either. Or, you'd remember that unlike you, I don't lie," he replied, his voice low and clear in spite of the churning emotions threatening to overtake his stomach. "It's funny, you'd think I'd have learned to never fully believe in anyone after Gideon. But I believed in you. In our team. But, I won't forget this lesson. So, thank you for the refresher course."

"This is nothing like what happened with Jason, Spencer," Emily denied, watching as Reid's face became even more shuttered. Oh, hell.

"You're both liars, Emily. The rest is just details."

"Well, here's a detail that you can't ignore. We work together. You can't just write me out of your life that easily," Emily yelled, grasping at straws that seemed to break underneath the weight of her touch.

Taking a step back, he shrugged off her touch as though stung. "Yes, I'm aware of that," he stated woodenly, almost as evenly as if he was reciting the periodic table.

"So, don't you think we need to try to work through this?" Emily asked desperately, eyes widening as she watched his gaze seem to shutter completely.

"Not particularly," Reid answered stiffly. "I'm going to steal a page from your little spy novel, Emily and rewrite history."

"What do you mean?" Emily frowned, her eyes stinging as she stared into his expressionless face.

"We never happened," Reid stated flatly, each word enunciated clearly.

"Yes, we did," Emily argued, unable to believe he could be so cruel. Her sensitive, wonderful lover had become someone she didn't recognize. And it happened at her own hand.

"The woman I thought I loved didn't exist, Emily," Reid responded icily, cocking his head to the side as he stared over her shoulder. "Therefore, all of it was a figment of my imagination. Whatever transpired between us is going to be shoved into a little box in the back of my mind. You should be familiar with those kind of boxes, shouldn't you?" he sneered. "You've got a whole cerebral cortex just brimming with them."

"Spencer, please...don't do this," Emily begged, her heart twisting painfully in her chest as he turned away from her.

"I'll work with you, Emily. I'll even manage to be professional. But whatever you think we had together...whatever feelings we might have shared...mine are dead. As dead as Lauren Reynolds is for you," he said, turning to walk toward the front door, his footsteps heavy against the wooden floorboards. "Now, if you'll excuse me, there are about a thousand things I'd rather be doing than spending time with you," he bit out, jerking it open.

Meeting his eyes, Emily struggled to find something she could say...something that would change his mind. The sum of all her fears was now staring her in the face...a distant, remote Spencer Reid all but declaring his hatred of her.

Forcing one foot in front of the other as she retraced her steps to the door, Emily held her head high. "I know you don't believe anything I say, Spencer," she said huskily, her fists hanging uselessly by her side.

"Then do us both a favor and save your breath," he suggested through lips that barely moved as he stared above her head, steadfastly avoiding her eyes.

"But, I'm going to say it one more time," she spoke softly...vehemently. "I love you. I never stopped loving you no matter who I was or wasn't these past months. Everything I did..."

"...you did for yourself!" Spencer roared, his eyes blazing as they finally dropped to hers. "And that's the one kind of love I don't need! Your fucked up selfish version of it! Now, get the fuck out," he ordered, crowding her out the door before slamming it in her face with a thundering crash.

Gasping as she stumbled backward, the wall behind her catching her, Emily let the first sob escape as she slid toward the floor.

The truth was inescapable. And no more than she deserved, she supposed as she leaned forward, resting her head on her knees.

Her search for forgiveness had been in vain.

Her betrayal had trumped their love. His rejection had confirmed that...and the sum of all her fears had come to pass.

**Finis**


End file.
